Breaking The Habit

Dear Journal,

It's 5am...I can't sleep...I'm kind of a wreck...I've been reading...I shouldn't write but I don't know who to talk to about this...So here I am.

There I was, Leanne and Robin had just turned the corner. I was left alone, without any help, hurt, tired, beat, and feeling betrayed.

And I was holding both of our journals.

Robin freaked of course, Leanne watched, a slight sense of bemusement playing upon her features, almost like she had planned this scene all along.

Robin started to argue with me, but I stopped her saying simply, "Your mother isn't dead." And I handed her the card with the number her Mother had given me.

She responded by saying that she didn't want me here, and wanted her journal back I gave it to her without issue and started getting mad...

But I thought to myself, "I don't really need this to understand her anyway..."

 I told her about how I finally understood after all this time why she was so angry, that it was her way of stopping from crying from all the bad things that have happened to her, that she was actually running away from her problems instead of facing them.

She yelled at me, "Don't try to act like you understand me just because you read minds!"

And I replied rage turning to true heartfelt sorrow, "I don't have to read your mind to understand you Robin.Out of anyone on earth, I know you better than anyone...And I know you're scared and need someone who knows you, in order to help you get better..."

And then, you guessed it...

She punched me. HARD.

Weak, broken, and betrayed once more by the woman I once and will always love, I felt my world click into surreal focus.

 My body was bloody, but adrenaline pulsed through my veins unnaturally allowing me to stand on my own two feet again. 

She stood before me powerful and ready for a real fight, but hesitated seeing someone in her doorway...It turned out it was her brother... Jack.

That was his name. Jack, neatly filled away in my brain I found his name. Remembering it for later should I need to use him to hurt her...But they could have the moment for a little longer...Today at least I resolved.

Then I flew.

I flew to the bluffs knowing exactly where Leanne was heading next, reading her mind became easier just as she left, it was almost second nature to me then. I found her, Chantel, Israel, and Nate talking to her at the fairy circle...I listened in for my moment...

Hearing everything.

She would become mortal because of a betrayal of Chantel's doing...I read Chantel like a book, she didn't trust Leanne as a creature, but wanted to change her into something powerless.

A great ploy to be sure...Chantel was a hypocryte, I resolved in my anger.

For someone who professed to live for the Truth, she sure liked to lie to others.

So, I waited for Leanne to become mortal and landing in front of her, blew her off of the bluffs with the most powerful psychic blast I could muster on the immortal manipulator.

She lay unconscious, a simple mortal girl, completely at my whim...I could kill her now and be done with her meddling forever...

Then Israel stood in front of me and asked me to stop...That this wouldn't make me feel better and I was falling into old patterns...Killing her, I realized would prove Robin's point...

I was a monster.

The guilt of my earlier thoughts, feelings of revenge, and pain that I was feeling started drifting away...For those moments of rage, I had become a monster...

I couldn't do that.

So, I stopped, got onto Israel's bike and went home.

I didn't speak the whole way there...I just got off the bike, thanked him for the lift, and went to read my journal in peace.

Israel's words were absolutely right...Some things are truly better left forgotten.

And what I read made me realize how right Robin was all along.

I was a monster.

Killing Robin's mother was just the end of a long line of horrible acts.

I tried to steal Ardath's soul from his body at Homecoming.
I set a group of Imp's on Israel so he didn't stop me.
I shot and killed Megan, Israel's girlfriend because Samael told me to.
I had helped Low-Key, even though he almost killed a girl for turning him down at a dance.
I had dealt with hard core drug dealers, killing two of them and burning down their meth lab/home.
I burned a mark onto Robin's neck so Samael could keep tabs on her...
I made a deal that burned my home to the ground killing my step mother, and half siblings in the process.

I had done all of these things and according to my allusions into earlier in my dark twisted life...

That I had done worse...Including having a bag of "emergency gear" in my car trunk locker.
So I checked it out...On my ring of car keys, I had a small safe key...

And underneath the cab of my mustang's trunk... There they were...

Duct tape, bloody rags and bandages, old worn rope, handcuffs and keys, a branding iron, molotov cocktail, lockpick kit, ski mask, leather gloves, extra money, a fake ID, fake police badge, a shovel, a sharp bloody machete...and a pistol with a full clip of ammo.

I threw up.

Each item made memories flood into my mind about my awful dealings for Samael.

I had done awful things with these objects to completely innocent people.

So, I did what I thought made sense...I took a drive, went out to a deserted old country road, and burned it all in a dark pit...(With salt and gasoline for good measure.)

After watching it all burn...I finished reading the book by the bonfire I had created...Reading into my dark past.

I'm not sure if it was the darkness of the field, the late night dealings, evil memories and guilt of my past, or the ash and fire together, but I could almost hear Hell calling my name.

I have been a monster.

But in that realization, there is hope I think.

I have been a monster.

That doesn't mean I have to stay one.

The only comfort of that horrible reminder was that near the end of my journal, it seems that was the "old" Me's conclusion as well.

I'll have to work on it, but I'm my own master now. I make my own decisions, I make my own way, and I should start doing the best I can to be the best person I can be.

Not for myself, not for Robin, but for the greater good.

Maybe I can help Israel for a change? Maybe make amends with Leanne for earlier? Maybe be friends with Eve?

I'm...I'm not sure how I can help Robin...But I'd like to.

 Maybe I should join Robin's "Youth group"?

....Or, maybe not?

I think I need sleep and need to make some amends to the people in my life.

Starting with Israel I think. That dude is kinda awesome...I mean, I killed his girlfriend, and he's still my friend?

That's friendship right there...Friendship I should start paying back in spades.

-V