The Missing Pieces

Dear Journal,

It's all coming together...(I think.)

So, I approached Israel during school, like I said I would and he warned me that the deeper I digged into my past, the less I would like about it.

When I asked him why, nd he said it's because its' what I asked for...

I asked to forget.

I couldn't understand what he meant.

I mean, WHY would I want to forget? What did I do?

So, I made the mistake and asked if it had anything to do with that Robin chick, and you know what he said?

"Yeah it does..." He said as the wind on top of the school roof, his regular hangout spot, brushed through his blonde hair casually.

" Okay, What was it I did exactly?" I began saying cautiously. "I didn't hurt anybody did I?"

He winced at the last part. "Yes, unfortunately yes you did..." He looked pained by telling me, my heart rose in my chest as I pressed him further, my curiosity getting the better of the sinking feeling in my soul.

"I mean, It couldn't have been that bad right?...I mean, I didn't kill anyone right?" I said my head aching trying to remain focused on his words.

"I'm sorry Vincent, but you did..." My world started to spin, I started to feel sick...I couldn't believe what he was saying, I had actually killed someone, someone important to Robin. My hands shook uncontrollably, and I started to pace trying to keep my composure.

 "Who..."I had to stop to swallow, my mouth suddenly dry, "Who did I kill?" My voice was weak and soft but he heard me okay as he replied,

"I'm sorry Vincent, but...You killed her mother. Stabbed her actually."

I can honestly tell you that I've never felt worse; well in recent memory anyway, than I did right there...

It was no wonder she wanted to avoid me like the plague...I had fucking killed her mother, with a knife. I didn't want to ask more, he was right, but I needed to know, so my next question was:

"Was she and I close?" He looked reluctant before replying.

"Yeah, you were, but you'd have to ask her for how close...I just can't say."

I made him promise to help me figure this shit out...Even if what I discovered hurt me, and asked him who else I should talk too...

So, you can guess where I went next right? I needed to talk to Robin...So, off I went...

I found her in the halls and confronted her, telling her that I found out a little of the truth from Israel but I believed that she was the missing key to my past...

We talked and she outright told me that She's sorry that I'm confused and scared, but that:

"It's not her problem and I should stay away from her."

What the Fuck is that supposed to mean? It totally is! Her and the other's must have made me like this!

If we were even slightly close, she seems like the person that would see something through...Regardless of the cost.

Huh.

Maybe that's what happened? She followed me to the end and now I'm here? So, I guess when my memories went, so did whatever we were?

God, she must feel so lonely.

Hell if it's any consolation, I feel pretty lonely right now too...

-V